Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Chuck Norris

In the annals of American, nay, world history, there is one man who stands above and beyond the rest. That man is Chuck Norris. Did you know that there is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris's computer? Chuck Norris is always in control. This is a man who is more than human, a man who can run so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. This is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got his start back in 1969, and began doing kung fu movies that would make Jason Statham proud. Early in his career, he got his butt kicked by Bruce Lee, while a kitten looked on. Those Asian movies are always a little weird like that. Wow, that guy is hairy. But then, as Chuck Norris is the symbol of all men, of course he would have to be hairy. As he continued, he was in Delta Force, a movie that I have never seen, but which looks awesome. On my desk at work, I have a copy of a picture from a magazine from 1986, which is a picture of Chuck Norris with a bazooka. The caption says, "Chuck Norris, reasoning with the bad guys." After that, he was in a few other little gems, until he finally became Walker, Texas Ranger. Very little has happened in his career since then, except for the advent of the amazing amount of Chuck Norris jokes. Remember, if you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

So, here's to the man who once roundhouse kicked someone so fast that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Erhart as she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Here's to the man who can win a game of connect four in only three moves. The man who doesn't sleep, he waits. Here's to Chuck Norris, the man, the legend.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Andrew Jones

Well, Andrew keeps on pestering me to write a blog post about him, and I hate being pestered. However, no matter how many times I threaten to kill him, he won't let up. Therefore, here it is: The Truth About Andrew Jones.

Actually, if I'm totally honest, I'm still not entirely sure what to put here. Of course, I could shower him with praise, because he's a pretty cool guy, but no matter how I thought about the wording of that, it sounded gay, something that I typically try to avoid. Therefore, it's probably a better idea to discuss some of Andrew's eccentricities. Those are usually funnier anyway.

To begin with, Andrew has a real mind for ethics. If something is unethical, you can be sure that Andrew will be pointing it out really fast. Sometimes it's annoying, but having him around serves to keep all of us on the straight and narrow, and it's probably better that way. We're talking a very elevated sense of ethics. For example, he won't even jaywalk. Even if a whole group of people he's with are walking across the street, he will run down to the corner to cross and then catch up. Probably a little extreme, but if that's how you get your kicks, I can't knock on it.

Second, Andrew really has a thing with sports. There are very few things that he likes better than soccer, and if he finds out that a girl likes soccer, she becomes immeasurably more attractive to him. He's told me. However it isn't just soccer, but also football, ultimate, basketball, and a whole bunch of other sports that don't come to mind at the moment. Sure, lots of people like playing sports, but not really on the level that Andrew does. I wouldn't say it's an obsession. Let's put it at the sub-obsession level. That's a good place for it.

Third, Andrew likes to watch cartoons. This is a slightly lesser-known fact about Andrew, but it's true. Now, some of them are awesome, like Batman: The Brave and the Bold ("The Hammer of Justice is unisex.") or Star Wars: The Clone Wars. However, some I can't understand, like Dragonballz. That just doesn't appeal to me, and when he tries to explain it it just sounds utterly ridiculous. I've told him this before, so he shouldn't be offended. At any rate, that's kind of eccentric.

Fourth, Andrew has this thing with poking people. I who don't really like being poked, threaten to cut his finger off every time he tries it on me. However, more tolerant people are always subjected to his poking. I don't understand that. However, if that's how he gets his kicks, and he leaves me alone, I suppose I can't get too annoyed, though I don't understand what the hype is.

Anyway, that's about all I've got about Andrew. Don't get me wrong, he's a solid guy. However, I think that, in asking me to blog about him, he was kind of asking for this. Don't worry though, Andrew, I think you're cool, and when people bash on you behind your back, I defend you. Thus, I end this post.

Friday, May 1, 2009


If there's one thing about the whole online chatting thing that annoys me, and there are several, but if I had to choose just one, I would choose "lol." It's hard to place exactly why it bothers me so much, but I'm going to try to explain in this blog post. My faithful readers should appreciate me racking my brains to understand myself for your benefit. I've narrowed it down to a few reasons.

Number 1: First of all, it took me a long time to figure out what "lol" even meant. I first started online chatting with my friends (not random strangers, mind you) when I was a freshman living in Deseret Towers, and when they would type "lol" I never had a clue what they meant. "Lol?" I would type, and then they would have to explain, and I would say, "So, you laughed out loud at what I just said? I didn't think it was that funny." Then I was glad that it was a text conversation, because otherwise things wouldn't have gotten all sorts of awkward.

Number 2: When someone types "lol," I know that they are very rarely actually laughing out loud. There's only one person who I know for sure is doing it, and she is awesome. Incidentally, she is also allowed to type "lol" when she chats with me, being the only one allowed. When chatting with other people, I sometimes let it slide, but my typical response is, "Are you really?" to which they usually reply, "No, I wasn't." That is, once I explain, because they typically don't understand. People just throw that little thing out there really fast without even thinking about what it means. That also bothers me. Am I being a whiner? Maybe. On to the next reason!

Number 3: How lazy are you? I mean, seriously. If someone you're chatting with types something funny, like, say, "Hey, did you know that Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own two hands?" why can't you just type "that's funny!" or "haha!" It really doesn't take that much effort. If you're into chatting on the Internets, I'm hoping that you have the ability to type marginally fast, and if you can't type at least marginally fast, I pity you, poor, unfortunate soul. "Lol" is entirely unnecessary and rather obnoxious, if you ask me. Yes, I'm whining again. On to reason number 4!

Number 4: Okay, so I don't actually have a reason number four, I just wanted a good transition from the last one. In conclusion, "lol" is unnecessary, lazy, and misleading, as it is often a lie. That, and it makes six year olds drop their ice cream cones and cry for hours. Do you want a whole bunch of crying six year olds on your conscience? I know I don't. I rest my case.