Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Sage Political Advice

There comes a time in the lives of most people when they must make a choice between what is good, and what is awesome. I don't know how that applies to what I'm about to write, I've just always wanted to say that. I'm going to be writing about BYUSA elections here at BYU, where the choice between good and awesome definitely doesn't exist. In fact, I would say that the choice between candidates boils down to "lame people who won't do anything" and "lame people who won't do anything."

For any reader who isn't going to BYU or who isn't familiar with how things work around here, I'll explain. First of all, BYUSA is not student government. It isn't even close. BYU has no student government. BYUSA is a service organization. They organize service projects and other activities that are related to service somehow (bring a can of food and get into a dance free!). Often the candidates run on platforms that they won't be able to accomplish, because they don't have the power to do it.

For example, one set of candidates is saying that they'll get us more money at textbook buyback. Now, I don't know perfectly, but I would venture to guess that they're about as likely to get us more money at textbook buyback as they are to get us a back entrance to the library. They just don't have that kind of power.

Another point that I'd like to make is that, in the rare case that candidates make platforms that they can actually stand on, they end up being really lame. The people who won last year (I don't even remember their names. That tells you how influential they are to me) said that they would give us free food during finals week for "stress relief." Well, they did that, but I didn't even bother, and I know a lot of people who didn't bother. Why? Because when you say the words "free food," every freshman within five miles comes running and lines up. Even if they have to stand there for hours, they don't mind. Boy oh boy, they're going to get that "free" food. What they don't realize is that with the time that they were standing in line for that "free" food, they could have gone and gotten a job and bought their own lunch, without having to wait in line for an hour. I have no incentive to wait for even 15 minutes for some crappy free food.

In all of this, my point is that the BYUSA elections are a complete joke. I suppose that most people know that. On my way to class today, I looked at a couple more of the platforms. One of them said that they wanted to get class syllabi online. I've been at BYU for elections for three years, now, and they've been going for that every year. I don't think they're going to get that this year.

In conclusion, I find it beneficial to vote in real elections, because those people actually affect our lives. However, the BYUSA president and vice president do not affect my life in any way. Thus, I will be sticking with the 98% of the BYU student body who doesn't vote.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


On the left, we have the picture that is going to be above my desk when I'm a teacher someday. It is my very firm opinion that everyone should understand just why this is so awesome, because, obviously, if they don't, they can't enter my office.

Why is it so awesome? For a lot of reasons. For one, though the picture doesn't give a reason for this very muscular man to be fighting that shark and falling through the air, I'm sure it's a very good reason. He's probably protecting a damsel in distress from that shark, something that I've always dreamed of doing. In fact, I would venture to guess that most true men have delusions of grandeur about putting themselves in grave danger to protect a beautiful woman, thus winning fair woman's heart.

Second, there is something absolutely amazing about having the strength to ward off a shark. I like to think that if I were confronted by a shark on a cliff, I would have the strength to fight it off with a bear hug, notwithstanding the spikes that their skin is supposedly studded with. Then, falling through the air while grappling with said shark, skin spikes and all, would be even more awesome, knowing that the battle would only intensify when we (the shark and I) hit the water below. I'm sure that I would be forced to rip him to pieces and burn them, like in Twilight (look at 3:15).

Third, those clothes are awesome. Period.

Finally, the simple fact that it's a drawing of a powerful man grappling with a shark and falling through the air makes it intrinsically awesome. The only thing that takes away from it is the pink background, but I'm afraid that can't be helped. Well, there you have it. A less-frequent than daily dose of danger that is actually dangerous.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Calvin is a Genius

Pictured above is a strip from my very favorite comic: Calvin and Hobbes. Bill Watterson is a complete genius, and it's highly unfortunate that he has stopped writing. However, I just love the piece of wisdom presented in this comic. What is the true meaning of happiness? As with other jokes on my blog, I am going to explain this one. You see, it's funny, because Calvin's idea of happiness is completely shaped by the mass media. However, in his second question he removes women from the meaning of happiness. I think that this is so funny to me partially because I get such a kick out of chauvinist jokes

While this comic is just funny for its face value, Calvin actually has a very valid point. In fact, I would venture to say that there are several men who would put women on a list of things that denote the true meaning of unhappiness. I'm not in this category, I love women, but it's no secret that they are very good at causing men who don't have steel hearts to be unhappy. I could continue this discussion, but I think it might get me shot.

However, when it comes to cars and money, I would put them high on my happiness list. Granted, there are more important things, like family and friends, and the gospel of Jesus Christ and everything else, but I'll tell you what. If I were behind the wheel of a Corvette, with a few hundred dollar bills in my pocket, I would have a hard time not being happy. Call me materialistic and evil, but that's just the way I feel. So, Calvin is a genius. Money and cars, minus the women. It's perfect.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

El Dia de Satanas!

Well, it's Valentine's day, or, as I like to call it, Satan Day. Why do they even have this holiday? It isn't fun, and usually it just creates awkward situations. Thus, we have to the left, what Cupid should truly look like.

Here's Cupid with his usual nakedness and his usual ugly curly hair and goofy smile. However, his weaponry has improved substantially. There are probably some girls out there who would say that he has this weapon so that he can make more people fall in love with each other. I say that this isn't the case. I don't know where the idea that arrows won't hurt people if their tips are shaped like hearts came from, but it's stupid. Whether arrow heads are shaped like hearts or just triangles, they are going to pierce skin and flesh when propelled by a powerful enough bow. The same principle applies to minigun bullets. Whether the bullets are shaped like bullets or like hearts (something that I'm not sure is possible) they will do a lot of damage, and since it's a minigun, they will do damage repeatedly and very quickly. The fact that miniguns can't be used without mounting is beside the point. Miniguns are just awesome. In fact, I submit that we should abolish Valentine's Day and make a new national holiday: Minigun day. That's all.

Friday, February 13, 2009

And So it Begins

Why, the reader may ask, is this so hilarious? That is something that can be debated. However, to me, who has had a slight dislike for horses for years, this picture brings a definite smile to my face. What must my little ponies be thinking as they go to their death in the glue factory, which looks remarkably like a parking garage with an Elmer's sticker on the top of it. Do they understand the usefulness that they will provide to a world of elementary school children? Do they realize that their liquefied and sticky remains will be eaten by some of said elementary school children? Probably not. My little ponies are simply walking toward their death, completely naive, unaware that they have only seconds to live. Their bones will then be ground up, washed, cooked, filtered, evaporated, and turned into glue, which is really an interesting process.

Then, they will be siphoned out into the waiting truck, where the man with a creepy smile on his face is waiting to drive away their stickified remains to other places. In my experiences, horses are pretty perceptive animals. They can, as I like to say, quoting Disney's "Atlantis" (an excellent movie) smell fear just by lookin' at ya. You'd think that they would be able to also smell or sense other moods on people as well. However, my little ponies are a different breed altogether. I haven't spent a lot of time around the toys or the cartoons, but the stupid looks on their faces tell me that they are no ordinary horses. Despite the fact that I think that they have the ability to talk, they are stupider than your average real horse. I'll bet it was easy to round these guys up for the glue factory.
Truck Driver with Creepy Smile: "Hey, guys, who wants to go to the glue factory?"
My Little Ponies: Yay! Hooray! Let's go to the glue factory!"
Stupid ponies.

It's because there are things like this out here that I have decided to give in and follow the rest of the world, making a blog. Readers of this blog won't be getting stories of my life, unless something absolutely amazing happens. This blog is for random crap that I wish to discuss, or, for the sake of staying awake in class, I decide to discuss it. Thank you, and have a nice day. I hope you've enjoyed your dose of danger.