Sunday, December 6, 2009

A Reminder

I just thought that everyone should know that, while I may be tired lately, I've put on some weight, I sometimes grow my beard for days at a time and look like a slob (though, I really think that I look rugged when I do that), and sometimes I wear my hood like a doofus, all of that considered, I am still awesome. I remain the picture of danger, power, attractiveness, chivalry, self-esteem, skill, and, overall, just plain awesomeness. Feel free to bask in it all you like. Remember, there is no charge for awesomeness, or attractiveness. That's all I have to say. This is Captain Danger, out.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Holy Crap!

Going along with my usual fixation with everything dangerous, I give you the glorious tidbit at the left. A bear in a taxi? What the crap? According to the web site I found this picture on, it is in Russia. That explains it a little bit. Those Russians come up with some crap that's almost as crazy as some Japanese crap. (No offense to anyone who is Russian or Japanese) Anyway, I, Cliff Chandler, Captain Danger, the one, the only, the amazing, will endeavor, once again, to explain the picture in question. It may be long, it may be hard, but when has that ever stopped me? And DON'T say, "All the time." I'll kill you. Anyway, here goes!

So, this taxi is driving by the zoo and he sees a whole bunch of people running out and screaming in Russian. "БЛИН!!!!" they yelled. "Существует медведь сыпучих!!!!" For any Russians reading this, I'm sure that's wrong, I just picked it up from Google Translate. Anyway, the cab driver didn't think much of it, because he had just moved to Russia from England was was just learning Russian, and words like "bear" and "loose" didn't make a lot of sense to him. However, he did see a chance to make some money, because these people looked like they were in a hurry and could really use a ride in a taxi. He pulled up to the curb, rolled down the automatic passenger window, and said, "Hey, you want a ride?" Now, the people running out of the zoo didn't really know English, but what he meant was obvious, so a couple of the people made for the cab, including a particularly delicious-looking (to a bear) fat guy. Just as they started opening the back door of the cab, a bear came lolloping out of the zoo, it's eyes on the delicious-looking fat guy, and increased its speed. Now, as I can testify from personal experience, fat guys are not only usually slow, they are also typically clumsy. So, as he was getting into the taxi, his pant leg caught on the door, and he said, "Подождите, я застрял!" The taxi driver didn't understand what he meant, but, looking back and seeing his predicament, he figured the fat guy was saying something to the effect of, "Wait, I'm stuck!" In the mean time, the bear had gotten closer, and just as the fat guy had freed himself, clambered into the back seat, and gotten his hand on the door handle, the bear was upon him. It jumped bodily into the back seat, hitting the other side, and rocking the car, causing the door to shut. The taxi driver, when he saw the bear jumping in, had slammed on the gas, but had hit it too late, and so the bear was in the back of his car to stay. The bear proceeded to gobble up the poor delicious-looking fat guy, and the driver, not knowing what else to do, continued to drive, afraid to stop and draw attention to himself by getting out of the cab. To his surprise, when the bear finished eating the delicious-looking guy, he proceeded to stick its head out of the back window (which had been rolled down) like a dog. That's how this picture came to be. What the viewer of the picture doesn't see, however, is how the taxi driver saved himself. Seeing the way this bear was acting, he saw an opportunity. Remember that he's driving on the wrong side of the road (we Americans drive on the correct side, and everyone else is wrong, obviously). He saw an oncoming bus, and, steeling himself, got as close as was possible. It took of his side-view mirror, but it also took off the bear's (whose eyes were watering in the wind so he couldn't see) head and shoulders. It's like someone had taken his dandruff shampoo and filled the bottle with highly corrosive acid instead. Then the cab driver stopped, removed the bear's butt from his taxi, and then went home and washed it off. He got his mirror replaced the next day.

In short, make sure to be cool and calm in all situations. You'll come off better.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Sexism--I'm Treading Carefully

So, I don't know if I'm breaking copyright laws or not by posting this on my blog. I hope not. It's credited. Anyway, when I read it, I laughed, and it really rang true to me. Now, before I get started, can I just make a blanket statement that I love women, and if I say anything stupid about women, please don't hate me. Thank you. However, I'm going to be treading carefully, because I don't want my throat slit.

Anyway, allow me to point out that I am aware of the very unjust treatment (to put it lightly) that women have endured all throughout history. I am, after all a history major of sorts, and it seems that in every class it follows this pattern: "This is the history, okay, now this is what it did to blacks, this is what it did to Indians, and this is what it did to women." I am aware that women have never been treated equally in the past, and that they are still, in many cases today, not treated fairly. However, I submit that people have become to hypersensitive to this, and that men are bearing the brunt of it, more specifically good-natured men who enjoy hanging around with women and who are actually quite kind to women, and who sometimes don't put tons of thought into every word they say, and end up saying something that could, if you are hyper-sensitive, be taken as a sexist comment. Then, said man ends up being verbally attacked as a sexist pig, and said woman never wants to talk to him again. Granted, that's probably close to being the worst-case scenario, but things similar to this, in varying degrees of severity, happen frequently to me, especially when I crack some of my favorite sexist jokes. I really don't see the problem behind this, especially when, by the definition of a feminist (one who believes in women's rights, and doesn't necessarily burn their bra) I am a feminist. I just think that those jokes are funny sometimes. Seriously. I mean, why wouldn't they give Helen Keller a drivers license? Because she was a woman! That's just hilarious.

At any rate, I may not have proved my commitment to women's equal rights here in this blog post, that wasn't my intent. My intent, if truth be told, was to think of something somewhat clever, and in that, I'm not sure I have succeeded. However, if you women who worry about my chauvinist tendencies wish to post inflammatory comments, go right ahead. Last time I blogged about something that I thought wasn't a big deal but was possibly controversial, I got reamed. So, go right ahead. Cliff out.

Friday, November 6, 2009

True Love

All I can say about this image is that it is most definitely true love.

Nothing denotes love like references to the timeless Star Wars series, which always warms the heart, be it of man or woman, nerd or non-nerd.

While I'll admit that some of the imagery is kind of strong, it is understandable, and still awesome. I think that if I were the girl who received this note, I would have to accept this poor kid's love, and bestow mine upon him, though I would really have to think about it for a while. However, by the way this is written, you can tell how heartfelt it is. Plus, if I were to go into this relationship (as a woman) I would be the less attached party in the relationship and thus I would have the power.

That being said, this note is true love. The really unfortunate thing is that it isn't pictured in its entirety. That's all I have to say.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Deadly Mustache

Something I've noticed in my time here at BYU, and in general, not just here, is that there is a whole lot of prejudice out there against mustaches. I have personally experienced it. There have been some times when I have decided to grow a mustache, just for the fun of it, and have been going up to work or to class or whatever. When I do that, I find myself getting dirty looks, especially from girls. I start to wonder what could be inspiring this, but then I look down a little bit and remember that my hair in on my upper lip, and everything becomes clear. What is the deal with that? Mustaches can look absolutely awesome (see above). I don't see what the big deal is.

I think that part of the problem is that most girls don't realize just how obnoxious it is to shave one's face. I can speak from experience, having experimented with shaving legs before (that doesn't impune my manliness, I shaved a spiral onto one and checks onto the other), that shaving your face is much more of a pain, in more ways than one. And, if you cut yourself on your leg, at least you can cover it up. If I were to cover up my face, I would have to wear a ski mask, and then I would look even more like a creeper, not that I think I really look like a creeper when I have a mustache.

So, I would like to examine this problem. I think that the main problem is that mustaches are typically associated with people like this character here:
Even I'll admit that that guy is creepy, but I don't think he would be less creepy without the mustache. Observe:
You see? Still a creeper. Therefore, I conclude that the mustache only has minimal effect on the creepiness of a person. I don't think I look creepy with a mustache, I think I look awesome. However, I am unable to exercise said awesomeness for the same reason why I am unable to grow out a mullet: because so many women are prejudiced against them, and I want to be married someday.

With that, I make my end. I don't know if I've really argued my point well, but oh well.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Swine Flu!

All I can say about the image at the left is that whoever drew it is an absolute genius. I, like everyone else in the world, have heard about swine flu, and about how it spreads like wildfire. I have been doing my best to cough and sneeze responsibly into my elbow or into a loose piece of clothing, though I find sneezing into my elbow less-effective in many cases, because I end up folding my arms right after.

However, there's something about this H1N1 flu strain that I don't get: What's the big deal? Sure, it spreads, sure it gets you sick, but for heaven's sake, it doesn't really kill people! Maybe I'm being completely ignorant, but from what I've been able to see, it's just the same as a regular flu! It can develop into brochitis. Well, so can the regular flu! I got bronchitis from the flu when I was in high school, which was a very long time before swine flu was even imagined. However, don't get me wrong. I take swine flu seriously. In fact, if you would like to know whether you have it, I suggest that you check out They'll tell you whether you have it or not, and what to do about it. No, seriously, click on that link. It's important. You really need to know whether or not you have swine flu! If you do, you could be spreading it.

Okay, so is it bad that I treat this epidemic like a joke? Sorry if it is. The thing is, this flu is most likely to strike college students, people in the prime of life, which means that it is even less likely to kill people than normal. It is just obnoxious. That being said, I'm tired of all the hype and panic. I will continue to shake hands and hug people. I will leave my house when I cough. I only use hand sanitizer all the time because they have it for free all over campus and I like the novelty of it. Swine flu is seriously not that big of a deal, and I'm going to continue to live my life.

Thus, that being said, I return to the picture. I think that the denizens of the hundred acre wood know about swine flu, and how it isn't really dangerous. I think they've wanted an excuse to get rid of Piglet for years, and now they finally have it. "Goodbye, Piglet," says Rabbit. "Your days of pooping in my garden are over! I mean, uh, I don't want swine flu!" "So long, Piglet!," says Christopher Robin. "Maybe if you had grown a backbone I would have liked to keep you around--I mean...cough, cough, I might be getting swine flu! You need to get away from us!" Am I a really mean person? Maybe. That being said, I'm done with this post. Cliff out.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Felt Like I Should Write Something

So, what to write? It's been a long time since I've made a blog post, and I feel like I'm letting my followers down. I'm in class right now, it's my Late Middle Ages class. It's an interesting class, and once I get my first midterm back, I'll make a judgment as to how much I like it. It's pretty interesting, though. Right now we're talking about the rise of cities. "The Rise of Cities." That sounds official. Maybe the cities rose...from the underworld! Okay, so that's a dumb joke. I'm afraid that I don't have a lot to talk about today, that is, unless you want to hear about my recent life, which I'm sure you don't. Okay, here's an idea.

I have elections on my mind lately. Ever since my roommates and I spotlit ourselves at ward prayer by pretending to be campaigning for Relief Society President, I've thought about it. What if I were running for office? I've done it before. In high school, I was elected the Senior Class Vice President, against a bunch of people who I thought were more popular than I was. I attribute it to my charisma. Either that or I was a lot more popular than I thought. My platform back then was that I essentially didn't have a platform. When I gave my speech for spotlight on Sunday night, my platform was that I would protect the girls (I pulled out my knife), and that I'm fat. I thought that that was a good platform, personally. However, I have other ideas. If I were to run for office, I hereby present my platform:

I am awesome. That's all.

With that, I make my end. To be quite truthful, I don't think I'd do an exceptionally good job at running for office, I think I'd pull a Howard Dean and everyone would think I'm insane. I'm not insane, I'm just enthusiastic! But, for your enjoyment, and for all who don't remember Howard Dean's winning scream from the primaries for the 2008 elections, I present the following:

That being said, I make an end. This is Cliff Chandler, out.

Monday, September 14, 2009


Now, here's something to think about. As discussed in the last post about myself, Captain Danger is all about engaging in dangerous activities. However, there's something else to think about. Does proximity to Captain Danger pose a threat to anyone?

Well, the answer to that varies. First of all, it depends on who you are. I would say that danger varies based on whether you are a friend, a woman, or an enemy.

First of all, for friends. One friend of mine will insist that I am a cuddly teddy bear. While I don't especially appreciate that, I can't deny that I am a pretty cuddly guy. However, for my friends, she is essentially correct. I will say, that though I carry my knives and will often threaten my friends with them, I would never actually hurt one of my friends. That just isn't in me. When I make a friend, in fact, they automatically come under my protection, and should an enemy come at them and I'm in range, you can bet that I'll be standing there, ready to stop said enemy, but I get ahead of myself. Suffice it to say that I will not hurt my friends, and when my friends are in my presence, they are probably in less physical danger than they would normally be.

Second of all, there is the category of women. Now, I will grant that many of my best friends are women. However, I have warned them, and I think that they understand the risk that being in my presence puts them in enormous danger for having their hearts broken, repeatedly. It's a sad thing, but I can't marry every woman who falls in love with me, and being in my presence is sure to make a woman fall in love with me very quickly. I can't help it, that's just the way I roll. Thus, though it is sad to admit, the women in my life can be in grave danger when they are near me. However, my close friends who are females have managed to, for the most part, get used to me, and thus the danger is averted, as long as they don't let their guard down.

Finally, we have enemies. Of course, this depends on the enemy. For example, I typically designate the opposing team in sporting events as "the enemy." Those enemies are typically safe. However, there are some enemies who, if they were in my presence, would face a large amount of physical danger. For example, Osama bin Laden. Yeah, he'd get it. I'm still working on using my satellite connections to find that punk. However, he's on the side, as he hasn't ever affected me or my friends directly, per se. The people who I think of most when I think of enemies fall into the category of muggers or burglars or the like. I asked said friend, who insists on calling me a teddy bear, if he would still think of me as a teddy bear if I were standing between her and some mugger-rapist with my knife drawn in her defense. She said that she wouldn't. I said that's what I thought. Also, if any burglar were to break into my house and wake me up, they would definitely find that they had broken into the wrong house. My knives are handy in my pants (which, granted, I'm not wearing when I'm asleep) while I'm asleep, and they would be brought to bear very quickly. And, if I could get to my coat rack, I could bring a machete and a grappling hook to bear. They would not be happy to be there.

Anyway, I think my point is made. If you are friendly to me, you are in no immediate physical danger. If you are an enemy, you are. It's that simple. Thank you.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Just a Quick One

I break from the plan, which was to discuss whether proximity to me (Captain Danger) actually poses any intrinsic danger to deliver this little gem:

This picture, spelled backwards, would probably spell pure genius. It's amazing. I have to say as well, it's true. Brethren do come before wenches, and that's the way it should be. Here's a shout-out to all of my brethren. That's all I have to say.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Captain Danger: Awesome or Egotistical?

So, as my history paper-worthy title of this post says, this post is the promised sequel to the previous one, as to whether my self-applied nickname, Captain Danger, is merited. Let us begin. First of all, how does one define danger? says that danger is defined as " liability or exposure to harm or injury; risk; peril," " an instance or cause of peril; menace," or " Obsolete. power; jurisdiction; domain." While that last definition is obsolete, I definitely like it. Anyway, I am about to attempt, using real-life situations, that my superhero name is merited. While doing so, I may just prove that I'm awesome, and, that being the case, I figure that I can just call myself whatever the heck I want and have it be merited.

So, it stands to reason that Captain Danger would do dangerous things, correct? Well, let's start perusing his life. We'll start a while ago. Here we have Captain Danger, his preferred weapon in hand, one of his first victims in other hand, preparing to deal out some real damage. Okay, granted, it's a coconut, but how many people do you know who keep machetes in their house? I would guess that, for most of my readers, the answer to that is "not many." If there's something that denotes "exposure to harm," I would say that tossing a coconut up in the air and then wildly swinging at it with a machete does.

Next: we have this gem. Here I am, after a day of manhandling heavy fence posts into place and bending barb-studded wire to my will, standing at the edge of a precipitous drop into a place called Adam's Crick, which, I have to tell you, would not be fun to fall in. Trust me. One of the few things that make Captain Danger uneasy is proximity to heights from which he could fall and injure himself, and so, this picture definitely shows "risk."

As further proof, I offer the following:Now, the reader may say, "Now, Cliff, that's not dangerous! You're just riding a horse!" To that reader, I say, "You, sir (or madam) obviously don't know much about horses!" I may look to be very much at my ease, and I am in this picture, because I'm awesome. However, what many readers don't know is that most all horses are seething cauldrons of deceit and destruction, just waiting to destroy you when they feel the slightest hint of fear coming off of you. If you don't believe me, ask me sometime about the time when a horse sat on me and I couldn't lift my left arm for about a week. Not a pleasant experience. That was definitely "peril" if you ask me.

Gunfighting, as I'm sure most people will agree, is very dangerous. The idea of pacing off and then turning and firing definitely implies "liability or exposure to harm." Pieces of lead flying at fantastically fast velocities are very likely to cause harm to bodily tissues. Thankfully, I, Captain Danger, have yet to sustain harm from said pieces of flying lead. However, the chance is always there, as long as the gunfighting habit remains. However, this picture most definitely denotes danger.

On the right, we have another instance of exposure to harm by proximity to a precipitous drop. Granted, this time I'm clipped in to a rope, but you never know when said rope is going to give, and then where are you? You're stuck in a hole on the side of a wall with no way down. Of course, I'm Captain Danger, and as I have a pretty good hope that I will one day gain super powers, I'm not too worried. I'd just have to wait it out. But, for most people, this would be a very dangerous thing to attempt. Keep that in mind next time you trust a rope. "This rope could break at any time, and I have no hope of acquiring super powers in the future. Crap."

And, as the final piece of proof, I offer the most dangerous thing that I participate in: consorting with women. If anything denotes "an instance or cause of peril," it would be hanging around with women. While their company can be enjoyable, they tend to have evil boiling just under the surface that can explode at any time. Just look at that angry face on the specimen at the left!

With that, I conclude. I, personally, feel that the appellation "Captain Danger is entirely merited. I leave it up to the public to decide for themselves. The Cliff Chandler rests.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Captain Danger...Real or Imaginary?

So, it has been pointed out recently by someone that I'm not up to my typical levels of Narcissism. I'm not sure why that is, but I can agree with that. However, I figured that a good way to remedy that would be to write a blog post about myself. Thus, I am proceeding to do just that.

I thought that, in a possible series of blog posts that I will write about myself, this first one should be about one of my screen names and something that I call myself very often, though it is often abbreviated to just "Captain." Yes, I am referring to the name of Captain Danger, which would, if I were a superhero, be my superhero name, though I think everyone would know it was me really fast. I don't think that would be a problem. If I were a superhero, I don't think I would bother with an alter-ego. Heck, I'm practically a superhero already. Anyway, the question is, how did I come up with that name? That is a good question, and I'm not really sure myself. However, to really know, I think we'll have to wind the clock back a couple years.

Picture me, Cliff Chandler, weighing about 10 pounds less (believe it or not) 2 years younger, and wandering around in Monticello. His friends at the time were really talking him up. His current friends do that, too, but the friends of that time for some reason really talked him up. If people say that Cliff is a conceited guy, they must know that it isn't entirely his fault. He has had a lot of people feeding it for a while. Back in the day (2 years ago) when 2-years-younger Cliff would say, "Man, I am so awesome!" about 3 people would usually chime in and say, "Holy crap, Cliff, you're right! How did you get that way?" 2-years-younger Cliff didn't usually have an answer, because he wasn't sure himself, though he had a few ideas. Anyway, around this time, 2-years-younger Cliff started to overuse the word danger a little bit. I currently do that a little bit, but for some reason, 2-years-younger Cliff had something of a fixation with it. When he would walk around in his apartment complex he would say, "Danger!" to announce himself, though it was usually to himself.

Now, something to keep in mind is that, ever since his mission, when 2-years-younger Cliff had gotten used to calling himself by his last name, he had been calling himself various things like Mr. Chandler, or Senor Candelario (Spanish), or Captain Chandler. It came only naturally that the word that 2-years-younger Cliff was fixed upon should become his new appellation. Thus it was that I, approximately two years ago, began calling myself Captain Danger. The name has stuck, at least for me, and has expanded so that even some others have started calling me that, at least sporadically. I'm sure that, someday, when I complete the superhero journey and get powers, I will be able to use that name.

These days, it has become such second nature for me to call myself by this name that when something happens, say, I trip, or slip on a rock that I'm climbing up, I talk to myself and say something to the effect of "Watch yourself, Captain," or "Ostarozhno, Captain." (Russian) People around me probably don't have a clue what I'm talking about, but hey, if I'm ever going to be a superhero, I have to have a little bit of mystery around me, right?

Well, in conclusion, this post has been so fun to write that I think it may be the beginning of a series of posts about me. In the next post, perhaps I'll address whether I am justified in calling myself Captain Danger. I'll already tell you, I think that I am. Thank you for reading.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

A Part of My World

I must say, there are some things in life that you certainly can't live without, and you wonder how you survived without them before you realized how cool they were. For me, this thing is the song Takin' Care of Business by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. Listen to the awesomeness:

So, that pretty much sums it up. However, I would like to share some reasons as to why that song is so awesome.

First is this: Takin' Care of Business + iPod + Cliff Chandler = SPEED! I can walk so fast with that song playing in my ears, and I can't even begin to say how many times it has gotten me to class or work on time when I otherwise wouldn't have made it. Heck, one time I was running late and I even had time to stop and open the door for a girl who was walking behind me. Yeah, it's that amazing. There are many songs that can make me walk faster, but I don't think that any of them get the job done as well as this one, my favorite, can.

Second is the intro. There are few other songs that can match this song when it comes to an awesome intro. Granted, this is my opinion, but I've found that my opinion is often correct. Yeah, that's right, I said that very narcissistic thing. Or, if you will, Clifficistic, my own personal brand of narcissism (thank you, Pear). At any rate, the intro is awesome. I gets you going before the words even start.

The message is also great. It makes me think of taking control of one's own situation, helping yourself out, and if nothing else, having a good time with your life, which is how I live. So ti's great.

Finally, there are very few songs that can pick me up when I'm feeling down like Takin' Care of Business can. Turn that sucker up really, really loud and rock out to it, air guitars and all, and there's nothing in this world that will still be bothering me after that. If the bother comes back, I can always play it again. It's that good. I could quote Madagascar 2 and say, "It never gets old," but I won't. Oh, crap.

Anyway, if Takin' Care of Business isn't your favorite song after reading this post, there is probably something wrong with you. Listen to it a couple more times and you'll probably get it.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

What Would it Really Be Like?

Most people are familiar with Mario. I can't lie, it's a classic and well-made game. It's had several different incarnations over the year, but my favorite is the Super Mario World for Super Nintendo. However, have you ever stopped to give it a little thought? Now, granted, it isn't supposed to be realistic, but still. Bowser has all of those minions, but they have these stupid conditions of how they should work. For example, green koopas will walk right off cliffs. That doesn't make any sense. Also, why does Bowser attach chains to those chompy guys? Why doesn't he just let them roam free? Then they would have a way easier time getting Mario, and he wouldn't even have to worry about Mario getting close to him, unless Mario became a first-person shooter. It really doesn't make a lot of sense. If you want to see a funny video and don't mind a little profanity (most of it is bleeped out) check this video out.

Another way to look at it is that it's kind of weird. I mean, why send one man, a plumber, no less, to go after the captured princess? Why not send the army? Why not send commandos? Why not send a knight in shining armor? A plumber just seems such an irrational choice. I would submit that a Mario more like the one in the following video, which is a really funny take on the whole thing, would be much more effective. Make sure to watch the video, I think it's awesome.

Well, that being said, I think it is time for me to take my leave. Remember, however, next time you turn on your outdated game system or power up the emulator on your computer, Mario doesn't make a lot of sense. I mean, jumping on things to kill them? Why would they be less harmful to your feet than to the rest of your body? Please.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Is a Possible Stoning in Order? (of me)

Well, I'm willing to say that the following image/analysis needs very little explanation. I just think it's awesome. Undoubtedly a lot of my readers have already seen it.

Now, I could go into detail as to why girls are evil, but that probably would get me stoned. That, and I would also sound bitter, and I'm not. I would, however, like to say that this is a clever manipulation of a subject that I don't like (math) to prove something that isn't really mathematic. You know, manipulation is probably a word that I should use more often. It sounds so sinister. Sinister is also a good word, which is kind of synonymous with evil. Kind of like girls. Anyway, I'm done.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

How Can You Are So Hilarious?

Alright, so this post is likely to brand me as a racist, but I think that it is hilarious when foreigners mess up English. I don't like it because it makes them look dumb or anything, it's just that it often has really funny results. The resulting sentences, commonly called "Engrish," can be seen on signs and labels all over the place. For example, take a look at this little guy:
Now, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Grass does not smile. However, the people who made the sign wanted us to not walk on the grass. They did their best, but it kind of flopped. This is just a gem. I'm afraid I'll have to apologize, because things like the following little bits of Engrish require very little introduction or explanation. Suffice it to say that they are absolutely amazing.And, another little gem. No Chinese meal could end better than the following:
And, of the selection that I found for this post, my personal favorite:
There you have it, genius, inadvertently generated. Have a great day!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Natural Danger, but Not Too Much

I guess I'm back on the kick of writing about natural phenomena. This time it's lightning, quite possibly the coolest natural phenomena on its danger scale. What's that you say? What's this "danger scale?" Allow me to explain. Natural phenomena have a scale of coolness vs. danger. Sometimes, the more dangerous they are the cooler they are. For example, sunsets are absolutely harmless, unless you stare directly at the sun part for two long, and if you do that you're a dipstick anyway. So, as far as the danger scale goes, (it's a 1-10 scale) sunsets would be a 1. Other things low on the danger scale would be things like rain, and other stuff. Heck, let me just write out a natural phenomena (I really like that word) danger scale right here. It won't have everything, and I may disagree with myself later, but it will be rather informative. Keep in mind that I'm kind of making this up as I go along.

Natural Phenomena Danger Scale
1: Rain, sunsets, sunny days
2: small (up to grape seed size) hail
3: snow, medium (up to marble size) hail
4: Dust devils
5: Lightning, small earthquakes
6: Slow flooding
7: Dust/sand storms, strong winds
8: Volcanoes (they usually happen away from people), medium earthquakes
9: Flash floods, alien invasions
10: Large earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis

So, there you have it, the danger scale. I have to point out that, though a lot of these things are scary, I would love to see every one of them. In fact, I have seen all of them up to number 6. Sure, they cause destruction, and they can be dangerous, but I would really like to observe these things from a distance, because the awesome power of God's creations is made manifest in them, and they would be really cool to watch.

However, as I was saying, lightning is the coolest thing on its danger scale. I put it in the middle, because there is an aspect of danger there, as it can cause forest fires and the like. However, one would have to be either really dumb or really unlucky to actually get struck by lightning. Therefore, it's relatively safe to go outside and watch.

So, aside from the danger, what's cool about lightning? Well, it's really awesome how it's generated, for one thing. I mean, who wouldn't be impressed by Zeus throwing lightning bol--wait, what? Static electricity? Oh, well, that's cool, too. In fact, I just looked at Wikipedia, and it turns out that we don't know exactly how lightning works, we just have a lot of hypotheses, and that's something else that makes it cool. It's almost magical!

I would like to put something in here about screaming, but I think that would be beating a dead horse. Besides, lightning doesn't really scream. It shoots! It engsmsplodes! It blasts across the sky and sometimes hits the ground. Lightning bolts can travel up to 60,000 meters per second (really fast)! It is also accompanied by thunder, which is also awesome. A loud, rolling boom, sometimes a crack. Being right in the middle of a thunderstorm is an awe-inspiring thing.

Well, I guess I've made this post a bit longer than I planned to. I hope you all still put in the effort to read it, because I like it. Just remember, pound for pound, lightning is a great way to get your money's worth when you are interested in natural phenomena. Dangerous enough to be edgy, not so dangerous that you're likely to die, and FLIPPIN' AWESOME!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

More on Awesomeness

I was shown this picture a while ago, and since then it has brought a smile to my face, if not a complete laugh, every time I've seen it. It is purely genius. However, this picture invites a bit of commentary, and since that's what I do on my blog, I figure I will provide said commentary.

First of all, what makes the cat so awesome? It's hard to say, but any dipstick could see that this cat just exudes awesomeness. It could be its disheveled appearance. It could be that it looks a little wet. it could be that it looks rather annoyed with having its picture taken. I could also be its positioning, with its ringed tail out in front of it. More than likely it's a combination of all of those things. However, I think it's pretty easy to say, without a lot of argument, that this sign is telling the truth and the cat pictured is awesome. I'm not a cat person, but I'm still willing to admit that this cat is awesome.

Second, it's obvious that this is the main joke of the picture, but I'm going to go ahead and explain it anyway. Posters like this are usually put up by people who are concerned about finding their lost pets. However, this poster is not concerned about that at all. It's just trying to get out the fact that this cat is awesome. I salute this effort. Far too little effort is put into things that aren't really for any particular purpose and are just fun. Granted, there are problems in the world that we could be fixing, but we can't do that all the time. Some time needs to be put in to just having a good time and helping other people to do the same. In fact, if more people in the world laughed more, this world would be a better place in general, so I salute the person responsible for this sign even more. Well, that's all I've got. With that, I make my end.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Let's Boogey!

Yet again, I give my thanks to Clay for providing me with the picture that inspired this post. I don't know where I'll find my inspiration when he's no longer looking at random websites. So, into the post:

Typically, when we think of the Boogeyman, something like this comes to mind:
Yeah, really creepy. In fact, I almost regret that this is on my blog. However, it makes the contrast of this post more fun. the Boogeyman has been haunting the nightmares of children and jumpy adults for years. Wikipedia theorizes that the idea of the boogeyman has been around since 17th Century England. That's a long time for people who are afraid of the dark to be afraid of something that doesn't exist. This conception of a "Boogeyman" has been around for far too long, and it is false. It could even be being used by the mass media to keep us subjugated. You know, I wouldn't be overly surprised. Therefore, in order to keep our minds clear and out from under the iron heel of the mass media, I propose that the conception of the Boogeyman be changed. Behold:
There, I submit, is a much better version of the Boogie Man. Granted, this couldn't have existed in 17th Century England, but now that it can, I say we take advantage of it. And, while some would find this quite frightening, I think it's awesome. I don't know how it could get much cooler than a guy in awesome clothes discoing in your closet. I only wish my closet were big enough for disco! The contrast between this picture and the first is monumental, and I have to say that the second one is so much cooler. If not cooler, it is at least groovier, you can't argue with that. That being said, I make an end.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Back on the Weapons Kick

So, first of all, I have to thank Clay for his use of the Firefox addon Stumbleupon for finding a lot of these amazing pictures for me. However, I am the one who does the very clever commentary. Therefore, as the latest thing that Clay has shared with me and that I, in turn, have decided to share with the world (or rather, the very few people who read my blog) is this little beauty to the left, or above, depending on how the formatting works out. Aren't the Internets an amazing thing? There is nowhere else where a person could find a picture of two besuited guys having it out with alligators as weapons.

So, this picture begs a few questions: First off, what caused the spat that these two are in? Is it a corporate power struggle? Are they both secret agents for opposing governments? As we know, all secret agents dress in suits and ties. James Bond made sure that we know that. Second, where did they get their hands on those alligators? Last time I checked, unless you're in Florida on a golf course, alligators are pretty hard to come by. However, the intensity of this battle leads one to believe that these two corporate executives/secret agents had to cast around for whatever weapons they could find at a moment's notice, and there were only alligators available, so they grabbed them and made do, using all of their stength to swing and block.

So, what are the advantages of using an alligator as a weapon? The list seems pretty short to me. However, one item for the list is that, not only do you get the blunt object damage, but alligators are also spikey. That, and they have teeth and claws, which I sure they would be all too happy to use in defense of their weilder.

I'm afraid that the disadvantages of using an alligator as a weapon far outweigh the advantages. First of all, alligators are heavy. Wikipedia reports that average weight for alligators is 800 pounds. Now, I'm no wus by any means, but I'll tell you what, I would have one heck of a time swinging around an 800 pound snarling, writhing animal. The power-hungry executives/agents of opposing world powers in the picture don't look nearly as big as me, and they appear to be weilding those alligators quite effortlessly, aside from putting all of their stength into their swings. I'm going to go ahead and not point out the fact that no self-respecting alligator would let itself be swung around by anyone, let alone a corporate power struggler or a James Bond wannabe.

Thus, we see that, though this picture does present an excellent idea, it is not very realistic. Therefore, if you want to use an unconventional weapon, I suggest you try the rocket-propelled chainsaw or the chainsaw nunchucks. Though these two weapons are much less alive than alligators, they will serve you better. That, and they are a lot lighter. Therefore, if you someday find yourself as a power-hungry corporate executive on the golf course in Florida with your superior and you want to bump him off, or a secret agent who has managed to coax his opponent from another country out into the open on a golf course in Florida, use a golf club to do the job. If he goes for the alligator and you go for the golf club, you will probably win.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

The Sound of a Sunset

So, it's possible that this post may call my manliness into question, and that I'm exposing a bit too much of my sensitive side, but what the heck. I've just blogged about Chuck Norris, Andrew Jones, how I hate the word LOL, and Danger, besides making fun of the French. I think that I might be allowed to pursue a slightly less intense topic.

So, I'll jump right into it. I think that sunsets are awesome. I have a few reasons for thinking this, and right now they're still formulating. However, one of them has been formulating in my head for a few days, so I'm read y to write about it. It's amazing just to look to the west and see a good sunset brewing and to know that before too long, you'll see all sorts of colors screaming across the sky. Yes, I did say screaming. You can almost hear those guys: "HOLY CRAP WE'RE COLORS! WE'RE MOVING REALLY FAST!" There are few things in nature as colorful or as magnificent (now there's a word I haven't used in a while) as a good solid sunset with a few clouds hanging around for the colors to scream off of. ("HOLY CRAP I JUST HIT A CLOUD! I'M A COLOR!")

Another reason why I like sunsets is that most of the time a sunset marks the end of a day in which I didn't do something extraordinarily stupid. I can pride myself in the fact that I don't do a whole lot of exceptionally stupid things. Granted, I may do one or two stupid things every day, like, say, waking up early, or deciding to go to work instead of playing video games, things like that, but I don't typically do a whole lot of really, really stupid things. If I were to think of an example of something extraordinarily stupid, it would be calling a woman fat, or driving like an idiot and getting into a wreck, or any number of other things. I don't usually do things like that. But, I digress. Suffice it to say that on most days, a sunset marks the end of a day in which I didn't do anything really dumb. As I look toward the west, I can almost hear those colors screaming about it. ("HOLY CRAP! CLIFF DIDN'T DO ANYTHING OVERLY STUPID TODAY! WE'RE COLORS!")

At any rate, that's all I've got on this subject. As the reader can see, I'm not that sensitive, and I don't think that have really invited anyone to impugn my manliness. With that, I end this post. Or rather, let's let some friends who will hopefully be making their appearance in the western sky tonight end it for us: "HOLY CRAP! THIS IS THE END OF THE BLOG POST! DID WE MENTION THAT WE'RE COLORS?!"

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Chuck Norris

In the annals of American, nay, world history, there is one man who stands above and beyond the rest. That man is Chuck Norris. Did you know that there is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris's computer? Chuck Norris is always in control. This is a man who is more than human, a man who can run so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. This is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got his start back in 1969, and began doing kung fu movies that would make Jason Statham proud. Early in his career, he got his butt kicked by Bruce Lee, while a kitten looked on. Those Asian movies are always a little weird like that. Wow, that guy is hairy. But then, as Chuck Norris is the symbol of all men, of course he would have to be hairy. As he continued, he was in Delta Force, a movie that I have never seen, but which looks awesome. On my desk at work, I have a copy of a picture from a magazine from 1986, which is a picture of Chuck Norris with a bazooka. The caption says, "Chuck Norris, reasoning with the bad guys." After that, he was in a few other little gems, until he finally became Walker, Texas Ranger. Very little has happened in his career since then, except for the advent of the amazing amount of Chuck Norris jokes. Remember, if you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

So, here's to the man who once roundhouse kicked someone so fast that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Erhart as she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Here's to the man who can win a game of connect four in only three moves. The man who doesn't sleep, he waits. Here's to Chuck Norris, the man, the legend.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Andrew Jones

Well, Andrew keeps on pestering me to write a blog post about him, and I hate being pestered. However, no matter how many times I threaten to kill him, he won't let up. Therefore, here it is: The Truth About Andrew Jones.

Actually, if I'm totally honest, I'm still not entirely sure what to put here. Of course, I could shower him with praise, because he's a pretty cool guy, but no matter how I thought about the wording of that, it sounded gay, something that I typically try to avoid. Therefore, it's probably a better idea to discuss some of Andrew's eccentricities. Those are usually funnier anyway.

To begin with, Andrew has a real mind for ethics. If something is unethical, you can be sure that Andrew will be pointing it out really fast. Sometimes it's annoying, but having him around serves to keep all of us on the straight and narrow, and it's probably better that way. We're talking a very elevated sense of ethics. For example, he won't even jaywalk. Even if a whole group of people he's with are walking across the street, he will run down to the corner to cross and then catch up. Probably a little extreme, but if that's how you get your kicks, I can't knock on it.

Second, Andrew really has a thing with sports. There are very few things that he likes better than soccer, and if he finds out that a girl likes soccer, she becomes immeasurably more attractive to him. He's told me. However it isn't just soccer, but also football, ultimate, basketball, and a whole bunch of other sports that don't come to mind at the moment. Sure, lots of people like playing sports, but not really on the level that Andrew does. I wouldn't say it's an obsession. Let's put it at the sub-obsession level. That's a good place for it.

Third, Andrew likes to watch cartoons. This is a slightly lesser-known fact about Andrew, but it's true. Now, some of them are awesome, like Batman: The Brave and the Bold ("The Hammer of Justice is unisex.") or Star Wars: The Clone Wars. However, some I can't understand, like Dragonballz. That just doesn't appeal to me, and when he tries to explain it it just sounds utterly ridiculous. I've told him this before, so he shouldn't be offended. At any rate, that's kind of eccentric.

Fourth, Andrew has this thing with poking people. I who don't really like being poked, threaten to cut his finger off every time he tries it on me. However, more tolerant people are always subjected to his poking. I don't understand that. However, if that's how he gets his kicks, and he leaves me alone, I suppose I can't get too annoyed, though I don't understand what the hype is.

Anyway, that's about all I've got about Andrew. Don't get me wrong, he's a solid guy. However, I think that, in asking me to blog about him, he was kind of asking for this. Don't worry though, Andrew, I think you're cool, and when people bash on you behind your back, I defend you. Thus, I end this post.

Friday, May 1, 2009


If there's one thing about the whole online chatting thing that annoys me, and there are several, but if I had to choose just one, I would choose "lol." It's hard to place exactly why it bothers me so much, but I'm going to try to explain in this blog post. My faithful readers should appreciate me racking my brains to understand myself for your benefit. I've narrowed it down to a few reasons.

Number 1: First of all, it took me a long time to figure out what "lol" even meant. I first started online chatting with my friends (not random strangers, mind you) when I was a freshman living in Deseret Towers, and when they would type "lol" I never had a clue what they meant. "Lol?" I would type, and then they would have to explain, and I would say, "So, you laughed out loud at what I just said? I didn't think it was that funny." Then I was glad that it was a text conversation, because otherwise things wouldn't have gotten all sorts of awkward.

Number 2: When someone types "lol," I know that they are very rarely actually laughing out loud. There's only one person who I know for sure is doing it, and she is awesome. Incidentally, she is also allowed to type "lol" when she chats with me, being the only one allowed. When chatting with other people, I sometimes let it slide, but my typical response is, "Are you really?" to which they usually reply, "No, I wasn't." That is, once I explain, because they typically don't understand. People just throw that little thing out there really fast without even thinking about what it means. That also bothers me. Am I being a whiner? Maybe. On to the next reason!

Number 3: How lazy are you? I mean, seriously. If someone you're chatting with types something funny, like, say, "Hey, did you know that Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own two hands?" why can't you just type "that's funny!" or "haha!" It really doesn't take that much effort. If you're into chatting on the Internets, I'm hoping that you have the ability to type marginally fast, and if you can't type at least marginally fast, I pity you, poor, unfortunate soul. "Lol" is entirely unnecessary and rather obnoxious, if you ask me. Yes, I'm whining again. On to reason number 4!

Number 4: Okay, so I don't actually have a reason number four, I just wanted a good transition from the last one. In conclusion, "lol" is unnecessary, lazy, and misleading, as it is often a lie. That, and it makes six year olds drop their ice cream cones and cry for hours. Do you want a whole bunch of crying six year olds on your conscience? I know I don't. I rest my case.

Thursday, April 30, 2009


There comes a time, when you have to wonder, what is so awesome about something. Here, I wish to discuss one of my favorite words: Danger. What is it that makes this word so cool? Let's discuss.

Well, to begin with, I have to say that, though I thing my middle name is great, I really wish that my middle name were Danger, or, maybe I could have two middle names, and have one of them be Danger. That would be awesome. Then, when I was going to do something and someone said, "That sounds pretty dangerous." I could say, "Danger is my middle name..." (menacing stare) and not be lying! However, that is not to be, I'm afraid, unless I add Danger to my name, which is something that, now that I've written the preceding sentence fragment, I'm thinking about doing. However, it just sounds so menacing, and adds to the vibes that I try to exude at all times, that I'm not afraid of anything, and that there are few things that could best me.

Another reason why danger is such an awesome word is because of the things it's associated with. Things like red signs, and dangerous stuff, like, say, toxic waste (which can, in lucky cases, bestow super powers), or hot tar, or, other...stuff? There's a lot of very interesting things out there associated with the word danger, so it is awesome.

At any rate, I don't feel that this post is up to the standard, but it's been so long that I felt I had to write something. So, there you have it. Clifton Dean Danger Chandler. I do like the sound of that. I'll keep on considering it.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Dang Those French!

It has come to my attention that I haven't blogged in a while. That being the case, I have decided to take the easy way out, and make fun of people who are easy to make fun of. Thus, the lot falls upon the French. On the left is one of my favorite pictures ever. I'm going to go ahead and explain why it's funny.

First of all, most guys who have been through scouts, and anyone who has watched MacGyver knows that Swiss Army Knives are awesome. Those Swiss knew what they were doing. In fact, if what MacGyver does is at all accurate, a Swiss Army Knife can open pretty much any lock. I kind of want to buy one just to try it. Those blades are also a lot sturdier than they look. I can't say all the things that I've see MacGyver pry open with that thing. The French Army knife, on the other hand, would be useless to MacGyver. It does, however cover pretty much all of the functions the French Army needs.

First of all, the corkscrew. The French Army obviously needs to use corkscrews a lot. They must be drinking a lot to think up the genius ideas that they've had in the past. For example, the setting: World War I. The French Army obviously wants to look good, so, while they're drinking their wine (which they've opened with a corkscrew) they decide that their troops need to wear red pants. "Nothingsh fanshier than red pantsh!" they say, drunkenly, in French. So, the French Army goes off to battle, corkscrews in pockets, wearing red pants. I'd daresay that a lot of those corkscrews got shot.

Another situation where those corkscrews came in handy: The setting, between World War I and II. The French, frightened of the again growing German threat, break out their corkscrews again and start using all of their brain power. "I've got an idea," said one of them, in French. "Let's build a wall! Those dang Germans will never get past our wall! It worked for China, right?" So, the Maginot Line was created. What the French didn't know, probably because they were using their corkscrews too much, was that the Great Wall didn't really work for China, and that their precious Maginot Line was just going to be circumvented by the Germans.

This is where the white flag came in handy. Most countries, it seems, when they are invaded and capitol is taken, don't usually give up. The typical response is hiding in the hills and employing Guerilla Warfare. Maybe there were some people in France who did that. I really couldn't say. I'm not too well acquainted with the history there. However, I know that the main body of the French government did nothing of the sort. When they saw the German tanks bearing down on Paris, their first response wasn't to run and regroup, it was to pull those French Army Knives out of their pockets and wave that white flag with all the strength they could muster. "Holy crap! Tanks! We don't stand a chance!" they said, timidly, in French.

Thus, we have the French Army Knife. With its roots in World Wars I and II, it's a perfect accessory for any Frenchman. Price on request.

Friday, March 27, 2009

The Unexplainable Explained!

The picture claims to be unexplainable. I beg to differ. In this post, I, Cliff Chandler, will use my amazing powers of deduction to solve the mystery of the dipstick with the sewing machine.

Explanation #1:
This dude was on his way to the prom, thus the tuxedo. As he was walking out the door to his UPS truck (He works for UPS and he's too poor to get any other mode of transportation.) he realizes that there's a rip in his jacket. He has to go and pick up the photographer and his date, in that order, and he's already running a little late, so he quickly runs back into the house and grabs a sewing machine, figuring he'll just find a quiet corner at the dance and fix his jacket in a flash. So, he heads out, puts the sewing machine in his UPS truck and drives over to the photographer's house, hitting a little bit of traffic on the way, making him even later than he already was. Thus, with the photographer in the passenger seat, he started screaming over to his date's place to pick her up. On the way there, he saw the river trail, which looked wide enough for his truck. The photographer said to go for it. They were late, after all, so he jumped the curb and drove up onto the river trail. He was screaming down it, going 50 or 60 miles per hour, and it was looking like they were going to make up quite a bit of time, when a cop jumped out in front of them, telling them to stop, since it's illegal to drive UPS trucks on river trails. The guy stopped, but he didn't want to have to have and episode with the cops, since he was already late, and his date was really attractive. Thus, he jammed the truck into reverse and started shooting back down the trail backwards. However, what I forgot to mention earlier was that he had only started working for UPS a couple weeks ago, so was still not entirely adept at driving UPS trucks, especially in reverse. So, he lost control of the truck and it went backwards into the river. He and the photographer jumped clear at the last minute, remarkably landing on their feet, clean and unscathed. The doofus even managed to grab his sewing machine! Those things are expensive, he wasn't going to leave it in the truck. Well, the cops took him into custody and his boss showed up. Eventually, the cops were chatting with his boss about how stupid this kid was, and the kid, figuring that his date was done, and that the girl he was going out with was probably either crying in her room or shredding pictures of him, decided to make the best of a bad situation and use the photographer he had paid for. Thus, they took a picture. This guy was pretty proud of his sewing machine, so he held it up in the picture. Yup, with a hair-brained scheme like this, that sewing machine is going to be about the only date you ever have, dude.

Explanation #2:
Same as #1, except that he bought the sewing machine as a gift for his date, because vacuums are outdated and stoves are too heavy and expensive.

Explanation #3:
A UPS driver was driving along, making his deliveries, minding his own business, when he saw a squirrel run onto the river trail. Now, more than anything, this UPS driver hated squirrels, because a rabid squirrel had killed his father. He jumped the curb and started chasing the squirrel with his UPS truck. Three cops were nearby, and they saw this man driving recklessly in a park and rushed to apprehend him. As they did, the driver hit the squirrel, and taking great joy in his victory, put his truck into reverse so he could get out of there before the cops could catch him. However, he was a little too happy over his victory, and wasn't paying attention, so he backed his truck down an embankment and into the river. The police pulled him out of the truck as he chuckled evilly to himself. Then, a dipstick in a tuxedo showed up. "My name is Bond, James Bond," he said, brandishing his sewing machine. "It is my duty to save all UPS drivers who fall into rivers. I have a lot of sympathy for them. My brother once did it on his way to a date." The cops told him to shut up and go away. An attractive female jogger on the trail saw the scene, and thinking it was too amazing to let go unrecorded, asked the dipstick to pose, and took a picture of the whole thing with her camera phone.

Explanation #4:
Some person with way too much time on their hands started messing around with photoshop.

Explanation #5:
The dipstick felt like being classy one day. Perhaps he was messing with one of his coworkers. After work, his mother asked him to go to the sewing machine repair shop and pick up her repaired sewing machine. He went, but was too lazy to change out of his tuxedo. On his way home, he decided to walk along the river trail, since it was shorter, and he loved to walk along the river and see the animals. Sewing machine in hand, he came upon the scene of a UPS truck backed into the river. The driver was standing there with three cops, saying, "It came out of nowhere, I swear! I normally really like squirrels, but I just had to kill this one!" "Dang," thought the kid with the sewing machine. "If only my cousin, Bond, James Bond were here, he would get that UPS driver out of this jam. He hates coppers and his brother is a UPS driver. Oh well. I guess I'll just take a picture to show him the good he could have done if he had been here."

Explanation #6:
The kid had a plan in which he dressed up to rob a casino. That didn't turn out too well, and he had to run. His only available vehicle was a UPS truck. On the way out of the casino he picked up a sewing machine that just happened to be sitting there. He had always loved sewing machines, and thought it was a shame to leave it lying around. So, he took off in the UPS truck, with the cops in hot pursuit. He tried to lose them on the river trail, but quickly saw that his way was blocked by a cement barrier. When he tried to back up, he fell in the river. The cops caught him, and they took mug shots with the sewing machine as evidence. Meanwhile the cops chatted with the real driver of the UPS truck, who was pretty ticked. "If only Bond, James Bond had been here!" he said. "He'd show this dipstick that you don't mess with UPS drivers! He'd kill that kid with his own sewing machine!"

Monday, March 23, 2009

Another Amazing Weapon

I promised to blog about another amazing weapon that included chainsaws, and here you have it. On the left is an image of a rocket propelled chainsaw. Click to enlarge.Why is this picture amazing? Why are rocket propelled chainsaws flippin' awesome? I'll explain.

First of all, I would submit that most anything rocket propelled is absolutely awesome. Think about it. There are: rocket propelled grenades, rocket propelled race cars, rocket propelled motor cycles, rocket propelled rockets, etc. Most anything that is propelled by a rocket engine is going to be awesome. There's just something cool about having fire coming out of the back of something at a terrific speed to get it to fly forward (or up, as the case may be).

Second, it includes a chainsaw. I've already discussed just why chainsaws are so amazing, but I would like to point out that a rotating chain with blades on it attached to a motor that makes cool noises, coupled with the "whoosh!" of a rocket engine would pretty much be one of the most frightening things you could ever hear coming at you. And, while I'm sure that something that explodes would be much more effective, this is definitely a cool weapon, and I'm sure it would, if nothing else, take out one person, and then intimidate the crap out of the rest of your enemies. If I were to see a chainsaw come flying through the air and impale one of my comrades, still spinning, I think that even I would be intimidated, and that's saying something, because I'm Cliff Chandler.

Thus, we have yet another amazing weapon. The rocket propelled chainsaw. More posts are in the works.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Poetry? From Cliff?

So, I don't usually hold with poetry, but this one is too amazing not to share with the limited audience that reads my blog. A big thanks to Mr. F. Weston Beck for showing it to me back in his bitter days.

The Time I've Lost
--Thomas Moore

The time I've lost in wooing,
In watcing and pursuing
The light that lies
In woman's eyes,
Has been my heart's undoing.
Tho' Wisdom oft has sought me,
I scorn'd the lore she brought me,
My only books
Were women's looks,
And folly's all they taught me.

Her smile when Beauty granted,
I hung with gaze enchanted,
Like him the Sprite
Whom maids by night
Oft met in glen that's haunted.
Like him, too, Beauty won me;
But when the spell was on me,
If once their ray
Was turn'd away,
O! winds could not outrun me.

And are these follies going?
And is my proud heart growing
Too cold or wise
For brilliant eyes
Again to set it glowing?
No--vain, alas! th'endeavor
From bonds so sweet to sever:
Poor Wisdom's chance
Against a glance
Is now as weak as ever.

Like I said, amazing. Before I proceed, I would like to point out that I'm not bitter, at least not much. That being said, I really find it funny when people look at chasing women as pure folly, but pure folly that is impossible to avoid. It's like women are drugs. One's "own personal brand of heroin," if you will, and though the writer knows it's dumb to follow women, he can't stop. Do I feel like this sometimes? Probably. However, unlike Mr. Thomas Moore, I have the ability to stop at any time, (like the mechanic addicted to brake fluid) I just choose not to.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Coolest Weapon EVER!

On your left is pictured Batman, one of my very favorite super heroes (next to Spiderman) with a weapon that only he could use: Chainsaw Nunchucks. I don't know if I've ever seen a weapon quite as awesome as this one. It is awesome for a few reasons.

First of all it includes chainsaws. Chainsaws are one of the coolest things ever invented. Who had the brains to think of that? "You see, it's a chain that spins, and it has blades on it!" Absolute genius. Chainsaws are very useful. I've cut my share of logs with them, and have found them to be very effective for that. However, as we've seen from video games and stupid horror movies, chainsaws can double as effective, albeit very messy, weapons in a pinch. The only problem is their limited range.

Second, nunchucks are amazing weapons as well. While not necessarily the safest weapon ever for the user, and not necessarily the most effective weapon against other weapons like swords or staves (see Wikipedia), they are still awesome, because I say they are. I happen to own a pair of jaguar nunchucks, and they are wicked cool. I would also say that I'm pretty skilled with them, even with the limited practice that I've had. One of the advantages of nunchucks is that they have a bit of a longer range than just hitting someone with a stick would have. You are also able to put more power behind them, because of leverage.

Thus, Batman has one of the ultimate weapons. It's two machines that consist of a rotating chain with blades on it attached to a motor that makes awesome noises that are attached to each other with a chain, giving more power in the swing. Skeptics may say, "You don't need more power! It's a chainsaw! It will cut through things without much force behind it, and putting too much force behind a chainsaw will probably just break it!" To the skeptics I say, "He's Batman! He knows what he's doing! You don't question Batman, he'll kick your butt! Especially if he has chainsaw nunchucks!"

Yes, that's correct. Coolest. Weapon. Ever, except perhaps for another weapon, which I may blog about later.

Sunday, March 1, 2009


The reader is probably not aware that I receive daily emails from a blog known as "The Art of Manliness." Today's email was a real gem and I couldn't let it pass. It was a quote from a speech by Theodore Roosevelt, one of my favorite past presidents.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

Those who know me know that I have a pretty big manliness complex. I hate it when people call me a boy (because I'm a man, not a boy) and I really hate being called cute or sensitive, because those are not masculine words. That being the case, this quote rang very true to me.

I really like how he says that it isn't the people who are critical who count, but the ones who are actually out doing things that are the true great men, and I suppose that this could go for women as well. We have to try, we have to be doing something, and even if we fall short, there is NO effort without error and shortcoming, and even if we do fail in our endeavors, we've at least tried, and our place will never be with those who were to afraid to even do that.

Essentially, this tells me yet again that Theodore Roosevelt was a genius, and whatever bad things we may learn about him in history classes, which seem to try to discredit all amazing historical figures, this man was a man with a head on his shoulders, who, if nothing else, knew what it means to be a true man.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Sage Political Advice

There comes a time in the lives of most people when they must make a choice between what is good, and what is awesome. I don't know how that applies to what I'm about to write, I've just always wanted to say that. I'm going to be writing about BYUSA elections here at BYU, where the choice between good and awesome definitely doesn't exist. In fact, I would say that the choice between candidates boils down to "lame people who won't do anything" and "lame people who won't do anything."

For any reader who isn't going to BYU or who isn't familiar with how things work around here, I'll explain. First of all, BYUSA is not student government. It isn't even close. BYU has no student government. BYUSA is a service organization. They organize service projects and other activities that are related to service somehow (bring a can of food and get into a dance free!). Often the candidates run on platforms that they won't be able to accomplish, because they don't have the power to do it.

For example, one set of candidates is saying that they'll get us more money at textbook buyback. Now, I don't know perfectly, but I would venture to guess that they're about as likely to get us more money at textbook buyback as they are to get us a back entrance to the library. They just don't have that kind of power.

Another point that I'd like to make is that, in the rare case that candidates make platforms that they can actually stand on, they end up being really lame. The people who won last year (I don't even remember their names. That tells you how influential they are to me) said that they would give us free food during finals week for "stress relief." Well, they did that, but I didn't even bother, and I know a lot of people who didn't bother. Why? Because when you say the words "free food," every freshman within five miles comes running and lines up. Even if they have to stand there for hours, they don't mind. Boy oh boy, they're going to get that "free" food. What they don't realize is that with the time that they were standing in line for that "free" food, they could have gone and gotten a job and bought their own lunch, without having to wait in line for an hour. I have no incentive to wait for even 15 minutes for some crappy free food.

In all of this, my point is that the BYUSA elections are a complete joke. I suppose that most people know that. On my way to class today, I looked at a couple more of the platforms. One of them said that they wanted to get class syllabi online. I've been at BYU for elections for three years, now, and they've been going for that every year. I don't think they're going to get that this year.

In conclusion, I find it beneficial to vote in real elections, because those people actually affect our lives. However, the BYUSA president and vice president do not affect my life in any way. Thus, I will be sticking with the 98% of the BYU student body who doesn't vote.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


On the left, we have the picture that is going to be above my desk when I'm a teacher someday. It is my very firm opinion that everyone should understand just why this is so awesome, because, obviously, if they don't, they can't enter my office.

Why is it so awesome? For a lot of reasons. For one, though the picture doesn't give a reason for this very muscular man to be fighting that shark and falling through the air, I'm sure it's a very good reason. He's probably protecting a damsel in distress from that shark, something that I've always dreamed of doing. In fact, I would venture to guess that most true men have delusions of grandeur about putting themselves in grave danger to protect a beautiful woman, thus winning fair woman's heart.

Second, there is something absolutely amazing about having the strength to ward off a shark. I like to think that if I were confronted by a shark on a cliff, I would have the strength to fight it off with a bear hug, notwithstanding the spikes that their skin is supposedly studded with. Then, falling through the air while grappling with said shark, skin spikes and all, would be even more awesome, knowing that the battle would only intensify when we (the shark and I) hit the water below. I'm sure that I would be forced to rip him to pieces and burn them, like in Twilight (look at 3:15).

Third, those clothes are awesome. Period.

Finally, the simple fact that it's a drawing of a powerful man grappling with a shark and falling through the air makes it intrinsically awesome. The only thing that takes away from it is the pink background, but I'm afraid that can't be helped. Well, there you have it. A less-frequent than daily dose of danger that is actually dangerous.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Calvin is a Genius

Pictured above is a strip from my very favorite comic: Calvin and Hobbes. Bill Watterson is a complete genius, and it's highly unfortunate that he has stopped writing. However, I just love the piece of wisdom presented in this comic. What is the true meaning of happiness? As with other jokes on my blog, I am going to explain this one. You see, it's funny, because Calvin's idea of happiness is completely shaped by the mass media. However, in his second question he removes women from the meaning of happiness. I think that this is so funny to me partially because I get such a kick out of chauvinist jokes

While this comic is just funny for its face value, Calvin actually has a very valid point. In fact, I would venture to say that there are several men who would put women on a list of things that denote the true meaning of unhappiness. I'm not in this category, I love women, but it's no secret that they are very good at causing men who don't have steel hearts to be unhappy. I could continue this discussion, but I think it might get me shot.

However, when it comes to cars and money, I would put them high on my happiness list. Granted, there are more important things, like family and friends, and the gospel of Jesus Christ and everything else, but I'll tell you what. If I were behind the wheel of a Corvette, with a few hundred dollar bills in my pocket, I would have a hard time not being happy. Call me materialistic and evil, but that's just the way I feel. So, Calvin is a genius. Money and cars, minus the women. It's perfect.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

El Dia de Satanas!

Well, it's Valentine's day, or, as I like to call it, Satan Day. Why do they even have this holiday? It isn't fun, and usually it just creates awkward situations. Thus, we have to the left, what Cupid should truly look like.

Here's Cupid with his usual nakedness and his usual ugly curly hair and goofy smile. However, his weaponry has improved substantially. There are probably some girls out there who would say that he has this weapon so that he can make more people fall in love with each other. I say that this isn't the case. I don't know where the idea that arrows won't hurt people if their tips are shaped like hearts came from, but it's stupid. Whether arrow heads are shaped like hearts or just triangles, they are going to pierce skin and flesh when propelled by a powerful enough bow. The same principle applies to minigun bullets. Whether the bullets are shaped like bullets or like hearts (something that I'm not sure is possible) they will do a lot of damage, and since it's a minigun, they will do damage repeatedly and very quickly. The fact that miniguns can't be used without mounting is beside the point. Miniguns are just awesome. In fact, I submit that we should abolish Valentine's Day and make a new national holiday: Minigun day. That's all.

Friday, February 13, 2009

And So it Begins

Why, the reader may ask, is this so hilarious? That is something that can be debated. However, to me, who has had a slight dislike for horses for years, this picture brings a definite smile to my face. What must my little ponies be thinking as they go to their death in the glue factory, which looks remarkably like a parking garage with an Elmer's sticker on the top of it. Do they understand the usefulness that they will provide to a world of elementary school children? Do they realize that their liquefied and sticky remains will be eaten by some of said elementary school children? Probably not. My little ponies are simply walking toward their death, completely naive, unaware that they have only seconds to live. Their bones will then be ground up, washed, cooked, filtered, evaporated, and turned into glue, which is really an interesting process.

Then, they will be siphoned out into the waiting truck, where the man with a creepy smile on his face is waiting to drive away their stickified remains to other places. In my experiences, horses are pretty perceptive animals. They can, as I like to say, quoting Disney's "Atlantis" (an excellent movie) smell fear just by lookin' at ya. You'd think that they would be able to also smell or sense other moods on people as well. However, my little ponies are a different breed altogether. I haven't spent a lot of time around the toys or the cartoons, but the stupid looks on their faces tell me that they are no ordinary horses. Despite the fact that I think that they have the ability to talk, they are stupider than your average real horse. I'll bet it was easy to round these guys up for the glue factory.
Truck Driver with Creepy Smile: "Hey, guys, who wants to go to the glue factory?"
My Little Ponies: Yay! Hooray! Let's go to the glue factory!"
Stupid ponies.

It's because there are things like this out here that I have decided to give in and follow the rest of the world, making a blog. Readers of this blog won't be getting stories of my life, unless something absolutely amazing happens. This blog is for random crap that I wish to discuss, or, for the sake of staying awake in class, I decide to discuss it. Thank you, and have a nice day. I hope you've enjoyed your dose of danger.